Golly, maybe the Dr doesn't understand the word "spectrum".

He's misunderstanding the concept of symptom and pervasiveness.

Learning to lip read doesn't make a deaf person into a hearing person. It simply alleviates some of the apparent symptoms of being deaf.

After 30+ years of study, I can now look people in the eyes when I talk to them. This doesn't make me any less autistic. It simply alleviates one of the symptoms.

I'm writing because I read the post about your son's lack of diagnosis. The doctors are not all the same, so that some may be more or less likely to put it in writing. Put that a person is Aspie in writing. They do face pressures, and can't diagnose everyone just because someone thinks they have something. If they could do that, they would have had to deal with endless med students who read textbooks and suddenly decide they are suffering from mercury poisoning or some rare disease.

And you have to decide the reason why YOU want a diagnosis for your son. How it will affect you, your family, and your son, now and in the future.

The part where you say "We're obviously not NT, but according to them we're not aspie either." resonated within me. It is a quest to find out what it is that we are. We want to know why we are like we are, and once we know, then we can figure out how best to address it.

For the same reasons we would seek out a doctor for a side pain. Or a rash. You want to know what it is, and what to do about it. So you get a diagnosis of a cracked rib and know to rest. You get a diagnosis of poison ivy, and know what to apply. The diagnosis provides a reason for what is occurring and sometimes options of treatment.

But there is one more thing to think about, and that can be done outside a diagnosis. In the two above examples, it is understanding how it occurs and what to do to help make it less likely to occur. For instance, some kind of protection while playing sports might help prevent a future cracked rib. Or not playing that sport at all. Wearing protective clothing, and learning to identify the poison ivy might help prevent a future rash.

Those are logical, rational efforts.

But what of social skills, human interaction? There is no protective gear that one can buy. It's not a physical problem. It's an abstract people problem. I believe that some of the problems can be eased in an equally logical, rational way. But it takes a lot of time and effort and a deep understanding of human behavior.

And there is information available on this. It is a recognized problem and it is addressed, for instance, in Social Skills classes.

This first link has a wonderful example, very simple, very easy to understand, right at the top of the page:
maxweber.hunter.cuny.edu/pub/e...s.html

Do you know that I was not even able to DO the exercise at the top for a few moments? My arms kept rotating over each other, trying to get into their "proper" position and refused to go into the other position. I had to think about the position of my arms, think of what parts went where, and then try to reverse it. It did not feel or look right. By "think" I mean I had to consciously THINK of what I was doing. It was not something I could naturally do without conscious thought.

This video shows kids modeling acceptable behavior, and that is what children (and adults) may need, to be shown:
www.modelmekids.com/

It is something that can be viewed by you and your son, together. You can discuss the DVDs during, afterwards. Replay important parts. Frankly, I probably need the entire series, including the ones for kindergarten.

This article mentions the effectiveness of school-based programs:
www.sciencedaily.com/release...5342.htm

So even if your son was diagnosed, there is no guarantee that he would receive the kinds of assistance he needs in schools. Depends on the school and what they have available.

For a halfway decent life, we need to know what to do, how to do it, and why it's being done. The latter item does not seem to be necessary for the majority of "NT" people. As your son says "that's silly".

You will need to dive deep into yourself or books to tell him the WHYS of behavior.

Why do we say "Hello". Think about it. Think about greetings in general. While it's a cultural meme now, it once signified that a person was not an enemy.

Hello = I am not an enemy. I am not out to do you harm. I am here in peace. I may wish to trade or barter or become friendly or romantic or simply not be attacked for my presence here.

Right handed handshake = most people are right handed, most people carried weapons in their right hands and their shield in their left. By extended the right hand, as being empty, and embracing another person's right hand, it shows both people that there is not a hidden weapon. There are other theories on handshaking too. Camaraderie.

Yes, it is a lot of explaining for something so simple, but it then makes sense as to why it's done to me. To perhaps you, and your son.

I would probably go and get a second opinion from someone who specialises in diagnosing autistic spectrum disorders.
As alot, if not all, of the diagnostic criteria is about observing behaviours, this needs to be done by several specialists over a period of time eg Speech and Language Therapists should be able to find out if he has a language processing or auditory processing disorder or has literal interpretation of language or semantic pragmatic disorder etc.
You already mention sensory issues and I would recommend you google the name Olga Bogdashina and read an article by her in autism today. She has a very good book called Sensory and Perceptual Differences in Autism and Aspergers. In my city (in the UK) they use the questionnaire at the back of that book to get a sensory profile of each child on the spectrum. Believe me, that in itself can be an eye opener as to the kind of environmental changes that could make a real difference.
From a support in school point of view it tends to be taken for granted that Aspies do okay academically. Not always true. But your child may need help during dinnertime/unstructured free time. The school should give him access to dinnertime clubs, the library or computer suite. Ideally this should be supervised by an adult and also involve other children so that he isn't isolated.
Along with possible Aspergers your son may have executive function difficulties or sequencing or planning or organising or time management etc.
As you rightly say, things have changed and the state has to provide certain things. It might be really useful for you to contact the National Autistic Society in your country and get some advice.
Regarding education the NAS should also be able to advise on that. Parent support groups also have alot of info because they have been there, seen it, done it and bought the T-shirt.
A legal advocacy service can also give you information on your legal rights. In some cases it is possible to get the state to pay private school fees if they cannot meet your sons needs within their own system. But they don't do it easily!
Regarding your orginal query, I too am a bit puzzled as to what the doctor meant. My son is diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum and he also learns new things. He might need to be told how to do it and he might not immediately be able to generalise that learnt information to other situations. He also functions much better with certain people in certain familiar environments.
My son is also capable of empathy, humour, theory of mind etc. Not all of the time and not always to the level of a NT child of his peer group. But he can do it and he is developing. Maybe you should get a few emails from this forum and send them to the doctor! Afterall there are many adults with Aspergers running successful businesses for example or working as doctors, lawyers etc etc. As already mentioned it is a spectrum disorder and I believe where the individual is on the spectrum fluctuates day to day and even throughout the day.